Sex, drugs and alcohol isn’t the answer. Unless you are asking what I did over the weekend.
But you guys who do one night stands si you are brave. What if you pick up a witch? Or a Jehovah Wanyonyi occultist. Or a witch masquerading as Jehovah Wanyonyi.
Today i understood what Wetangula meant when He said it will be messy.
But, how do you wake up next to a stranger? Me i am afraid of waking up in Chris Brown’s body.
Do you make her breakfast? What if she snores? Ohmigod what if she talks in bed? What are the rules for an away match vis-a-vis a home match? I heard that you should never dress down completely…always have something on. Socks. Durag. Condom..
What if you pick up a ndume?
Friends will demand to hear the salacious details of your steamy romp. If the sex was crap maintain your dignity by describing a particularly hot porn movie instead. It’s also sexier if you don’t mention how last night you were a Stud…who is now in danger of STDs.
These are strange times…and chips fungaing brand of cheating is dangerously insidious.
Should you sneak off like a criminal or wait for a full Kenyan breakfast complete with KDF, strungi and wah, we ni nani?
These slayqueens. Mmmm. The kind that don’t file their taxes. You know she is a red flag but men are color blind.
You fuliza her. She enters your home walking like she has never stepped on someone.
You fatten your prey by ordering kuku porno and chips funga (ha!) for her, she chews hadi bones. You saunter and stagger to your single-room shared between 3 Nigerians – or the crime scene, as we will now codify it.
While there, you hammer her expeditiously, meticulously and salaciously, the way she chewed your hard-earned money to appease the ancestors. Panel beating. While tendering, you realise she is a veteran in matters lungu…ooops! Excuse me, where are my manners…matters coitus because she is clean shaven…no bad and bushy.
As you destroy her Arror and Kimwarer walls, you get cocky and start asking her:
“Say my name..”
And true to self she shouts:
Sidenote: Give your kids moanable names. Please. Tf do you moan a name like Alphonse? Or Wilberforce? Ambrose? Josphat?
Like a witch from Siaya, she does all the Olympic-style contortionist Voodoo styles on you that night. BJ, reverse cow girl, extended monkey style double hang, inversed missionary, coconut you name it. She takes you for a ride and even sits on it while swinging 360 degrees.
My goodness. These missionaries spoiled us.
Advertiser’s Message: We have to regulate the rate of chewing otherwise we will run bankrupt like Kamwana’s government. Chisos! I hear some of you are saying condoms are unafrican. So here I ask, is 69 African? What about blow jobs? Is cow girl African? Hmm? Did our grandmothers do it? Yawa isn’t this the expats’ exports omera?
Back to story.
The following morning, she strolls, naked, in your house like nothing had happened; no limping, no walking like a duck, no ayayayayayya wewe ni sumu, nothing. Not even that sheepish Kalenjin smile. Wow! Kwa ground vitu ni different.
That is when you call your accomplice, the caretaker to come and chase you away for not paying three months rent. You become a visitor in your own house.
“Ayayayaya! Leo ni when? Tsk tsk…..uhm…Babe si you loan me 5k I pay rent I will return?”
Daughter of Zion will disappear faster than Kris Darlin’s votes. No lady likes a cheapskate nigga. Turns out, not even a chips funga.
That’s when it hits you.
No one likes a broke one night stand.