Oh god. Oh no. It’s here. The Apocalypse Valentine’s Day has arisen from the dead to once again assault our eyeballs with pink and red flowers, last-minute chocolates, balloons, tears and mass-produced stuffed animals painstakingly stitched together by child slaves.
This day of suboroginal #CoupleGoals, overcrowded restaurants, lacklustre sex, and general disappointment is here.
If, you like me, refuse to be manipulated, go get some popcorns and let’s watch this Big Nairobi Bedroom share each other. D.R.A.M.A. I have already given out my keja to my friends (at a fee of course – loooooooove capitalism ).
Lord, I see what you’re doing for others.
Wabosha has been pretty busy making money for the two of us so she hasn’t been able to reply to my texts or delete my ‘Last Night Was Awesome #Gosh’ comments – and honestly, it gets boring talking to myself in her DMs sometimes. But love is love. I’d explain, but, you wouldn’t get it. 😚
I don’t know what’s your Valentine’s care package, but for those of us who practise maturity for a living, allow me to say: ‘She will steal cheat on you!’ I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Senje.
If you are taking notes, write this down: Valentine’s is just a toxic social construct devised to make men feel ashamed of themselves and has no place in modern society.
Brothers this is the sign you’ve been waiting for. The whole system is rigged. Even relationships nowadays come with a standard photographer. Mbu #couplegoals mbu #thisone mbu #myboyfriendisbetterthanyours. Ew.
As a practising Christian, everything I do I must check for references from the Bible. Having said that, did Jesus celebrate Valentines? Did He? Mh? Mumu. Imagine she will call on the name of Jesus and still cheat. Imagine.
I’ve been coughing a lot today and it’s because I almost caught the love fever. Thank God for God. I am happy to report that I am safe and sound. Doctari came through.
For those of you who will be ‘taking matters into your own hands’ and donating your eggs to science, I feel you bros. And by eggs I mean sperm, and by Science I mean masturb…ahem. We don’t do that here.
I’m aromantic, not to be confused with ‘a romantic.’
Other than being a day of discovering whether you’re the side chic (you are), Valentine’s really is just a day to notice that there are over 50 shades of red. I am talking to you Kisii men.
Also, here’s a love trick. Go and type ‘babe’ in her phone. 200 results in 0.34 seconds. Congratulations, you just played yourself.
Told you. She’ll still cheat.
Am I right or am I right? Someone call KWS because monkeys are getting the chocker out here.
I don’t know why I write the things I write.
But not to worry because I will fix us…I will fix YOU.
And if she wears red kesho? Take it from me. That’s a red flag. But you’re Kisii. Which means you’re colour blind.
That’s enough todaying for today. Yens over yengs, debts over dates.
Remember, only God loves you.