The first thing you need to know about feeding a comrade is that you never ask a comrade if he is hungry. A comrade is always hungry. The unquenchable thirst of academics has probably left his throat dry so you never ask a comrade if he will drink. A comrade is always drinking.
If you are in University pull up a chair and let me spit wisdom at your feet. And by university I am referring to Moi, Kenyatta or University of Nairobi. What about JKUAT? That’s a seminary. The rest are specialised high schools.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Back then I was a Kitchen Jedi. I was a mesh of Salt Bae and Gordon Ramsay—without the money. You could see the nutrients, taste the colours, feel the smell and hear the flavours. Bro, I was a Michelin-starred chef before they starred Michelin chefs. This comrade didn’t cook. He prepared meals. Bro.
My weapon of choice? Ugali, Avocado and Spanish Omelette—what any chef worth his salt would describe as Triple Threat.
With this I would pinch your woman from the streets. I see boys nowadays don’t want to cook. Shauri yenu. I am not in the game right now, but my skills are still at my fingertips…and soon, so will your girl. I’m kidding. Or am I…
Any bachelor knows that there are three things women don’t say no to. And they all start with F. Finance, Food and Fu..fun. Shame on you.
The secret? Marinate her with an entree, wine and caviar(KDF). It tastes awful and is shrewdly expensive but hey, what’s HELB for?
You can start with the entry-level Four Cousins, but everyone knows cousins have a bad rep out there. Go a step lower, look for Chamdor. That one is 350, enough to cause an emotional damage in your wallet but sufficient to loosen the conversation.
Take it home, open it, and pour both of you a tot. Let it breathe for a few minutes, which you can spend admiring the understated, elegant bottle and its case, and then it’s nose in the glass. Take a little sip. Oh, Lord. As you drink, Ferre Gola is singing “Kamasutra” right out of that glass, and believe me, he can sing.
Put on a show for her. As she sips Chamdor, you are a few steps away gyrating, making sure she watches you.
Because electricity is free, put on two coils, one to keep your food warm, and the other to keep your ‘food’ warm, nahmean? Buy the big nyanyas, chop big slices, remember perception is reality. You want to leave her imagining stuff.
The eggs must be very fresh—because after all, they’re the star of the show here. A good omelette is a left-brain, right-brain mish-mash. Make it slightly wet. Good Lord. It’s like the PR descriptions of chef food—subtle yet deeply flavored, complex yet focused—but without the often disappointing reality.
Encourage public participation by asking her to slice the avocado using Aristotle’s Golden Mean. Then, set the mood by switching on your Ampex woofer and put the movie: Addicted.
I’d tell you more but hold on, someone’s calling. Oh yeah. I have to pick this. It’s the streets.