Nairobi being Nairobi, and life being life, it was inevitable that a master of the universe would finally push me into the realms of the hallowed Sabina Joy.
I am not unduly burdened by ethics so I am willing to bet a large amount of money that I do not have that some of you have (also??) had one night stands. One of you is even looking for a way to get rid of that thing with a Mbogi Genje face tarrying in your bed. Drop your number in the comment box and I will call you to tell you how, at a fee. Hehehecikuhehe.
I see some of you sneer as you scroll and I know you had a one night’s stand from a Facebook group. We know.
Prudish, and I speak as a lifelong cult member of this sect, I am intrigued by one night stands. Like what if you pick up a serial killer a la my ex Michelle? (She was a cereal killer but potetoe potato)
Generally I try to avoid sex until I am married, just because. Nairobians love to play with each other’s bodies till kingdom cum…er, come. Moi Avenue is the red-light district, with Koinange St. and Luthuli Avenue completing the hoely trifecta.
Have you guys considered all the things that could go wrong in a one night stand? What if she likes to suck a litto blood? What if she has one of those weird fetishes like toe sucking or staring at a picture of Andrew Kibe?
I am going to tell you something but please don’t tell anyone. Some girl just the other day in her experimentalism wanted to insert her index finger in my anal cavity. Boss. Kuna kauchungu kengine. Fine, I am conscientious, woke and shit but aiiiii. It’s a no from me dawg. And she had those talons. What if they break inside? I shit nails?? I can’t even have morning glory because kumekucha…no? no?
Speaking of, when she wakes up and realizes she is in Kawangware (SHOUT OUT), it is no longer a sleepover, that’s sleeping around. Should I make her breakfast? How does she like her eggs speaking of eggs, might I have fertilized hers? What does she like? Having nothing in common is the only thing we had in common.
It’s either love at first sight or leave after the first night.
Knowing what I know now about ladies (humble brag), what if she is the silent type that farts – omaigod what if she has those hideous waist beads? Lawdamercy.
By the way, entre nous, if you pick up someone with waist beads, just know you are done, finito. kwanza if you swear by that your one signature micro-phallus stingo, she will sacrifice you to the Queen Mother, touching faith that she is even a real human being.
Imagine being so bad in bed that someone leaves their own flat. You wake up and there is a for sale sign outside. All the furniture’s gone.
Worse, she could also be one of Shumileta’s cousins – those who sleep with their eyes open. Ghai. I once ninid with one of these (hearsay), hadi wa leo she appears in my nightmares. She sent me a friend request the other day. I see you Michelle… uko na jokes..
But much much worse, what if “life” stops working. Oh, I call my nini life. Because life is hard haha. Life is also short. Jokes jokes jokes.
If you’d like to spend your day asking “Why?” over and over again with various inflections, you can discard this totally non-sponsored rant.
If there is anything these one night stands have taught me, is that alcohol is really a bad decision.
And for all of you sliding into my DMs and asking for a one night stand, please, please, and I won’t say this again, please, please continue.