People think all Kalenjins are good people. It’s true. We kneel down to wash an elder’s hands before a meal. We do not speak during a meal, for which mouth would we be using for speaking and which for eating? We never say an elder is lying; we say their words have no truth.
But Kales are not stupid. I was cleaned a good one. Yaani mwosho mmoja.
There are men who leave Nairobi to Eldoret to go for some fire 30 seconds. And then there’s me.
I received a call: “Is this Ashioya? Jambo? My name is Kiplagat from Ansel Intl. We saw your work and we love it, we want to contract you, whe-,”
When am I available? Boss call me Uhuru because I am free. The only problem is, they are in Eldoret. I am in Nairobi. Eldoret is 6 hours away but if you get Kimani Wa Noah pale Afya Centre, you can be there in 4 hours.
“Mr Ashioya can you make it to Eld tonight? The donors are jetting in and leaving for Tz in the morning.”
Ashioya ni nani?
Like every Kenyan, I said I can. There’s nothing I can’t do. Besides, Philippians 4:13. Jesus kindly take the wheel because we need to be in Eld in 4 hours.
His name was Kiplagat. Isaac Kiplagat. Ha! He told me he works for the County Government and does errands for Senior Politicians. Ha! He saw I schooled in Moi University and was only looking out for one of their own. Ha!Ha! He was a connoisseur in degenerates.
He only asked for 15% once the deal was home. Quid quo pro. Having been raised well, I upped it to 20%. I mean, I’ll still have 80K. Tax free.
I called one of my contacts in Eldoret and asked if I could stay at his place in West Indies, which despite the name, was actually a ghettaux. I offered to even buy him meat 1KG, because you know, I have mullah, but he was out of town.
I tell Kiplagat maybe I should come in the morning. He is like, “No!! No, you come tonight. The Italians are here, they need to see you to sign off the deal. If you can’t make it, ni sawa Poss,”
Aaaah. Ashioya ni nani?
I took a passport (shower), doused myself in Versman Fresh and packed. Laptop. Camera. Sound. 2 1TB hard drives. Condoms (hey?). 4PM. Got in the last Noah. Kumbe nimenoa!
I was so giddy. You should have seen me. I even took a few pictures and videos you know, just to remind them what they were gerrin. In case you haven’t noticed, I always give 110%.
Gathee. Deal imeiva kama Wabosha Maxine. Ha!
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the Italian Job? Now forget Italian job, have you experienced the Eldoret Heist?
I arrived pale City of Champions at 820PM sharp. Kimani Wa Noah wanted to sleep in Nairobi.
I went pale Maggie’s Hotel Eld. Waiter! Chafua meza. Chai kama appetizer, Special Soup, chapati mbili za brown and njahi (yes). Kurudishia mwili pole. Finished with some Kale Gin, what peasants call mursik.
I call Kiplagat.
Kiplagat tells me he’ll be there in an hour. He is finalising a few deals, you know politicians operate in the dark.
“Hahahah!” I laugh like his biyach because who wants to offend the king? He calls me after 1 hour and says his car broke down but he is coming. He offers to run (ha!) but I joke I am the only night runner around. Hahahahaa! I laugh again because I am good when it comes to licking ass.
Do you know what Kiplagat means in Kalenjin? One born in the evening. In other words, a child of darkness.
1030PM. The eagle has landed. True to brand, Kiplagat, arrives in a grey suit complete with Nike sport shoes, like a minor ensemble cast member of the Sopranos, here to buy you a drink then stab you in the throat with an oyster knife.
He hugs me, calling me ‘Bomuru’ yaani shemeji. He profusely apologises for keeping me waiting, and takes me to a hotel where I leave my paraphernalia.
We head out to meet the Italians who are waiting for us at Sirikwa Hotel. Finally. Deal safi kama smile ya Wabosha. But first, he says we should eat something before we meet the honchos. Oh?
Ashioya ni nani?
Food is very important in my life so when he offered to buy me a meal, I knew he was legit. This is a man I can work with.
We head back to Maggie’s Hotel. I order round two. As we are eating, Kiplagat gets a call. He informs me one of his politician friends is in town, si I go pick him I introduce you two? Oh? Another deal? Boss. This guy has more connections than KPLC.
I say ‘Sawa!’ & ask for soda madiaba. It’s gonna be a goodnight. Where is the Sabina Joy of Eldoret? Because leo! Cherotich will get a teaching!
He hands me his car keys (ha!) And says he’ll be back in an hour. I’m like okay go do your thing, si I have your car keys. You can’t drive without car keys, right? Hauwezi nihepa Bomuru, sindio? Hahahhahaha.
2AM the soldier is like, “Boss, bill?”
I call Kiplagat.
“Sorry, the mobile num….”
It was at that point that the gods resumed their officially duties and duly informed me, “Yo, bro. That Kalenjin has cleaned you and he is making a run for it,” Hehe.
I head back to my hotel and the receptionist is like, “Kwani you are back?”.
Back? Back from where?
Kiplagat had swept my room. Clean. Laptop? Gone. Camera? Gone. Hard drives? Gone! Sound? Goooonnee. Even my gaddamn condoms. Kiplagat!
May Saitan lick your face every morning when you wake up!
Is this how Jesus felt in the presence of Sadducees and Pharisees? I was so angry I wanted to walk from Eldoret to Nairobi. I had carried my weed (don’t do drugs, stay in school) which I was to smoke like Al Pacino after sealing the deal of a lifetime. Ha! Kumbe I was the deal of a lifetime? Nilichomaaa.
I went pale Barng’etuny Plaza to smoke with the chokaras. If men in slim suits can rob me, let me see what men in birthday suits can do. I smoked that joint like Atieno smoking fish.
I passed to the eldest and he was like, “Nah bro. Sichomangi,”
Is this a joke? You sniff glue but weed is where you draw the line? Anyway, let the crow perch, let the eagle perch.
I don’t trust ni**az no more. I even quit that gaddamn photography industry. Crooks!
I still have those car keys that I use to terrorise young girls in Nairobi when I want to make a statement. If only they knew!
But me ati oh an NGO is looking for young Kenyan males under 30. Send your portfolio?
Kwanza if he is Kalenjin?