No one will tell you this but Jesus-with-the-good-hair has been walking around us all along.
Jesus definitely had good hair because how else would He claim to be the Messiah if his hair looked like those ndengu things on Abisai’s head? But don’t tell him (Abisai, not Jesus) that I said that. Kwani why else do you think Abisai wears hats? Think about it.
This man had such nice hair I wanted to caress him. Call him My Jaber. I wanted him to come, sit between my laps, as I tie knots on his hair. I wanted to stroke those strands. Pull that hair. I know how that sounds but trust me I don’t care.
You see, people who have good hair have good genes. This man walked in and I felt a tectonic shift. It’s like how when Jesus walked into Jerusalem and everyone started dancing Jerusalema.
This man knows that he looks good and he looks like he is good. If I had such hair, no one would date me because every time we got into an argument, I’d flip my hair and be like, ‘Bich whatever.” If I had such hair, me and Mitchelle Ntalami would…hehe.
It’s unfair for this man to have such nice hair and (y)our girlfriend is walking around in town flaunting Abuja. When you call her Darling you are referring to the hair, not her. How do I know these things?
If I had such long flowing hair my internal monologue would be: “Are they looking at it?”, “Should I switch products?” and “I’d better swish my ponytail around because it looks especially lustrous today.”
And then he was tall. Tall. Like this tall. For a moment there I could feel a sharp pain in my ovaries. I don’t have ovaries. Imagine this hair on your man? That being said, all the chutzpah of a Jeff Koinange won’t help. I was almost tempted to cover his order but I figured I can’t afford to pay for audacity. Say what you want. But if this man is not Jesus, then Jesus is this man.
I don’t remember anything Brian or Abisai or whoever the hell I was sat with said. All I could think about was what I’d do with that hair. Pull it. Curl it. Ponytail. I love ponytails. This is a fusion of the sexiest elements of man and woman.
If I had hair like this, and my house was kinda burning down and I only had 10 seconds to save my girlfriend, I would just run outside to avoid damage to my hair.
It’s what she would want.