For the folks over 30: adulting is hard.
For the peeps under 30: The past few days I have been extremely emoshonooo. I have called all my neegas to tell them that I love them (eww) and cherish our ‘thing’ (ugh) simultaneously shattering my accrued gangster points. Thanks for asking, yes, I have a Fifa rating of 96. Update: 78. Argh. See?
According to my app, I am 3 days early. Currently I have a box of tissues under my bed because I am watching Titanic — but why did the chivalrous Jack have to drown? It is so sad and beautiful because Jack was in love like me and Wabosha I want to cry now.
I also discovered that I am triggered by chocolate, with a weird craving for chipo smokie ya 30 bob made by Mutuku wa Tasia. That means I have to travel all the way to Pipeline Estate to achieve catharsis.
Shockingly, I can presto chango between ‘Uninyunyuzie Maji Bwana’ and ‘WAP’ in salacious fashion. Wah.
As a straight black male of questionable income, my life is dangerously veering towards #awkward. But if I could defeat kitambi, I will not bend the knee to moods.
Maybe I should call my wife and mansplain to her how I’m feeling but I am not married. I have been sitting here, considering the fleeting nature of youth, power, beauty and talent as I line my hips with an assortment of ‘digestive’ biscuits, KDF and KCC 500ml maziwa mala. What is happening?
And — I swear — I am getting enthralled by elderly women. So, I guess, ergo, hide your grandma??
Whatever mecca that people go to for mood swings is where they go for mood swings, and in this moment it is mala. And Titanic. Should I call my daughter Rose? Rosexine? Rosexineash?
As I make lemonade from the lemons of being bored and horny, all I want is to be happy and live above my means like everybody else in this country. Being a Taurus, hedonism is my ultimate calling but my chakras have refused to align. My chi is not centred.
Do we have a community for man periods? Is this even a safe space? Oh and by the way don’t you dare call me crazy. I will show you what CRAZY IS!!! TRY ME MICHELLE TRY ME! I WILL SELL ALL YOUR WEAVES! I WILL HIDE YOUR PENCILS!!
Phew…forgive me. This is an emotional upheaval, as my balls have ascended. Everything feels th th th th th thick.
In a parallel universe, I am in a mansion in the Maldives feeding the love of my life Wabosha Maxine Ashioya until she becomes th th th th thick as we wap, erm, rap:
“There is some chores in this house, there is some chores in this house!”
Ohmaigod guys. Jack has just got off the plank of wood for Rose. Black Jesus!
Jack’s body and legs are dangling in the sub-zero waters. She’s over there looking at him while he’s freezing. Please God not like this.
I’m not crying?? It’s my allergies. This love should go on. I can’t go on.