This quarantine period has finally revealed a secret the other gender has known for years: Women don’t need bras to survive.
Just like how I walk commando — hey my eyes are up here — women can walk braless. It is liberating. Why do you (we???) wear bras even? Ladies, don’t you think it is toxic? It is just societal rules construed by men to stiffen your growth. Hello? Are there any feminists here?
Mekatilili Wa Menza did not challenge patriarchy for you to retrograde us like this? When God told Pharaoh “Let my people go,” He was not just talking about the Israelites.
This is something I have needed to get off my chest, forced metaphor aside.
Speaking of bras, have I told you I’m a boobs guy?
If you ask any average guy what the first thing he notices about a woman, he’ll likely tell you her big smile, her bright blue eyes, bla blaaaaa blaaskdjflsdfk. That is a lie. It is her bosom. Chest. Kifua.
This is where Ciru and Njeri take an unassailable lead. Wah. Kwanza if she has a black bra? Tena strapless? Bruh! Daughters of the mountain can drown us in soup but by Jove they can comfort us with that ofua.
God didn’t create Eve’s boobs so that Adam could ogle at her wavy hair or her slutty leaf skirt. You know it. I know it. God knows it.
Boobs are proof that God can be cheeky.
They come in all shapes and sizes. I love boobs so much some say I didn’t suckle enough when I was a child. I say okay. Maybe I am overcompensating, but scientists have recently discovered that if you sleep while holding boobs, your chances of dying decrease by 50%. Who am I to argue with science?
I don’t work at ArtCaffé but I feel like boobs have not been given enough exposure. Which reminds me – ladies, please when you come for a sleepover, stop leaving your bras under my bed. You are landing me in trouble with the ‘plumber’.
Do you know why boobs are nice? Because they are close to the heart. You know what else’s close to the heart? Blood. Can you live without blood? No. EXACTLY.
Gentlemen, here is how you know if she is the one.
If she has brains but no boobs? Boobs.
If she has class but no boobs? Boobs.
If she can cook chapati but no boobs? Hmm, close call. Do I have to choose? I can’t have both? Okay. Chapati, but under duress.
Ladies, have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and just watched your boyfriend sleep and thought about how lucky you are? We want to do that, but to your boobs.
Even if it’s the fallen soldiers. Show me your fallen soldiers, I will give you the standing ovation you deserve. Okay, that sounded wrong. Let me delete that comment.
Babes I love your fallen soldiers. I am an equal boob admirer. Did you know you left boob is bigger than the right? I thought you should know. It’s not because you have a big heart, it’s just science.
Burrenweiz. I was just joking. I’m an ass guy.
No ass, no us.