“Apart from Jesus can I be the other man in your life?”
That’s the pickup line I used on that Daughter of Zion. That, was the first red flag. She asked who I was. I told her I was her next mistake. Jokes, jokes, jokes. I told her that I don’t blame the devil (hi) for having her ear. I asked how she managed to escape.
“Escape from where?”
“What do you mean?”
‘Because you’re an angel, angel.’
She cracked a smile until I feared her face would split. I was just getting started. I wanted her to know, know that, working while looking for Miss Right only led me to mistakes… (ahem). She was short, about this height, her nose was tiny, just small enough to smell danger. But what caught me was her voice—like raw heartache—sexy, sensitive and sensual, like a caterwauling soprano—listening to her reminded me of Uncle David playing the harp for Brother Saul. Oh, how happy I was that this girl touched my soul! Do you like what I did there?
I went for the kill. I had marinated her long enough, quoting Songs of Solomon but all I wanted was her to hear the song in my heart.
I removed my Bible and opened the book just after Leviticus:
“Baby girl, nimesoma kitabu yote ya Numbers but sijawahi ona number yako..”
Boom! Punchline. (Wo)man down. That line was deadlier than Joe Frazier’s left hook on Muhammad Ali. Firmly in the box, I left to join Moi University, she University of Nairobi. I informed St. Peter to sell my house in heaven because we were going to share one with her. My people will be her people.
“I am my beloved’s, and my beloved’s is mine; he feedeth among the lillies.” Song of Solomons 6:3. Ha!
Did you know the motto for Kenya Police Service and UoN is the same? Utumishi Kwa… hehehe.
Baby girl stopped responding. Those were the dark ages, before WhatsApp stories. So I did not know whether I was blocked or not. Have you heard that song by Whitney Houston? Heartbreak Hotel? In the fine print of your adulting contract, heartbreak is listed as a side-effect, with no cure.
As I stooped low, my beloved stopped replying.
“Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.”
I don’t even like gazelles!
My lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me? Lord, where do you find them? And why do you keep sending them to me?
People think I’m cool. No. I just have this ice box where my heart used to be. Have you ever crammed psychologytoday.com? Then you don’t know real heartbreak. Have you listened, on loop, to Boyz II Men’s ‘I’m Doing Just Fine’? (I’m not.)
Thank God I gave my heart to Jesus.