Let nobody lie to you.
Prison is only good when you are outside. Believe you me, the Government of Kenya is a terrible host.
Today has been one of those days. First I slept at 5:46 AM. KPLC did the ting again. Then I dreamt that Wabosha was cheating on me with a guy named Vikta Maina or something. So I woke up.
And just now, high noon, I’ve been arrested by plainclothes policemen. I didn’t see them coming! (Duh.) You guys say that you should always be brave but let me tell you once those two pingus hit your hand you’re done. It’s the same with marriage. Uh, why do you think they call it ‘𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘶 𝘻𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘢’? Uh, you’re welcome.
The worst part is Kenya Police can be v disrespectful. They parade you in front of everyone – like you are a catch (ha!). Kenya Police is the Boyz Club of government institutions.
Have you met hot bloods with cold steel? Lao Tzu can learn a thing or two from them. And I didn’t even have my phone which means I couldn’t call anyone.
Like I was just literally walking to the shop, to THE GADDAMN SHOP OUTSIDE MY GATE TO BUY CREDIT SO I CAN VIEW EDGAR OBARE IG STOROZ!!
Now all my estate crushes think I am a criminal – worse I had not bathed and was still in sandals. I saw the way they take guys to the station with one shoe and I was not going to go there. I cannot survive prison. You know…𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘪 𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘯..If you know, you know.
Plus my boss knows I am have a clean record. This doesn’t change anything. Does it? 𝘋𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘵?
In my armchair expert opinion, I have never liked the popo. I have always prided myself in two things: being funny and a good citizen. (Which is probably just being broke, but still.)
Like I was just literally walking to the shop, then boom! Handcuffs. Suspended mid-air as my sweatpants accessed my intergluteal cleft. Google it.
Because my hands are skinny, they kept adjusting the locks to make it tighter in case I wiggle out of them. At that point my life flashed before my eyes:
“Mid 20s man slapped by the long arm of the law in Pipeline while resisting arrest.”
This was not how I envisioned breaking rank and becoming a selebrity. Estate mamas kept giving me those eyes of “Nilijua! Kriminoo tu!” And I could feel it in my heart, that since the sun was out, Jesus was looking directly at me and shaking His head in shame as He struck out my name from the Book of Life.
Like it or not, we may have Uhuru but we will never have true independence..57 years later, we are still buying our freedom.
Why did I have to go to the shop? Why did I have to take the trash out? Tapping into my inner Sun Tzu, I couldn’t believe this was me, breaker of chains, armed with chutzpah, whispering sweet nothings to a male policeman.
“Afande mimi ni kama kijana yako. Nisamahe sitarudia. Hata rent nalipiwa na mzazi na hapa tunaishi watano kwa hii bedsitter, afande. Mungu alisema forgive others as you would like to be forgiven, leo ni Sunday afande,”
From the way I pleaded with the government for leniency, is it too premature to say I deserve an Emmy for Outstanding Actor in a Real Life Drama Ensemble???
With my new found street cred I am not going to ask anyone twice for anything. People already think I am a criminal. I may as well own my part as Barabbas.
Just wear your gaddamn mask! Whether going out, or in. You know what I mean.