I have not been talking to my girlfriend for a while now. She pissed me off so much, I called Muthama to ask him if I can call Duale so that we talk over it.

Men here is a tip; the only time you can be right when arguing with a woman is when she is standing on your left.


So yesterday, I’m in church trying to pick-up this PYT. Is it just me or do the chics in distress church just look so appealing? There is just something exciting about a woman in church. It must be the hypocrisy.

As the pastor rebuked the (red??) devils from sinner to sinner, my mind had far on wandered off to the gnashing of teeth in hell. With my sexy teeth, the devil had nothing on me. It is not something that I am proud of, by the way. Accept and move on. You know, it’s like playing guitar to a goat. I had long resigned my fate. There was no way Angel Michael would accommodate a dedicated pervert like myself.

I am sure in heaven they test the hotness of a lady by sending her in my dreams and seeing if I would get off. If, and when I do, she passes the test.

Ati the beautiful ones are not yet born? Probably because they get aborted in y dreams everyday




There she was. Sitting there all pretty like a damsel in distress. (Insert DJ Khaled’s voice) Another one.


I wanted to tell her that the word of the day was ‘Legs’. I also wanted to suggest that we should go back to my place, and spread the ‘Word.’

But first I whisper a salient prayer to the Lord above for the transgressions I am about to commit to her.


“Forgive me Oh Lord for turning the holy ground to a hunting ground.”


And the church says – Ah-men.


Petite lass, 8 figure, 6 inch heels, red lipstick, dark brown eyes and zero sense of humor, just the kind of lady Jack never killed himself for.


So Boy Child, sexy teeth and a wicked sense of humor tries his luck at this jackpot. All I need is to place a single odd, and wait for this bet to convert like Charles on a Ponzi scheme. I am not the kind of guy that makes investments where they don’t count, so this chic better shape up.






I’m Eddy.




Is this your first time here?




Where you from?




45 or 44?




I’m sure you put the plus one in Githurai 45.


*rolls eyes*


So are you in campus?




High School?


*rolls eyes*


do you like sex?






Man! My lines were hitting the Great Wall of China.


At that moment, I asked God for strength. Yes, Jacob worked 14 years to get Rachel but this chic was not worth it. But I just couldn’t stop.


So like Joshua, I knew I must reach the promised land. I reached for my phonebook to try and find Hessy Wa Kayole, but wisdom took the better part of me and I decided to give the hapless lass another chance.


I reach down the floor to pick up my self esteem. There is no way a Matiang’i-generation shosholite was going to go down on me. At least not like this, If you know what I mean.


Come to think of it she was not even beautiful. If you look closely you would see her soul begging to be released form that foundation on her face. But if you looked more closely, you would notice the mask peeling off her face to reveal the devil.


This is the kind of chic with a bicycle face but range Rover demands. Julius Yellow had a better chance of getting an American passport than this clown of make up and what not.


She looks like a recycled internet joke that has passed through the hands of Madam Sumbua tariff Akothee herself.


At the time of writing this article, we were busy in bed sleeping. I, having fantasies about her. But it is so hard to get hard (see what i did there? No? Ok.) with a necrophilia.


5 thoughts on “Necrophyliac

  1. You take pervert to a whole other level. Well, it’s either hits or homework, you got the former on this one.

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